


The Most Smarterest Geniuses in Eureka

by orphan_account



Category: Eureka (TV), The Most Popular Girls in School
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack Crossover, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Not Canon Compliant, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24947038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: STARKWho thefuckare you?CARTERWho the fuck areyou?STARKI asked you first.CARTERI asked you second!Stark and Carter meet for the first time in the best — and most fought over — men's bathroom at Global Dynamics. It does not go swimmingly.(First Meetings AU. Non-canon compliant.)
Kudos: 3





	The Most Smarterest Geniuses in Eureka

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
> 
> (Because half of Jack and Stark's interactions wouldn't be out of place in Overland Park High School, acted out by stop motion-animated, foul-mouthed fashion dolls.)

**INT. GLOBAL DYNAMICS MEN'S BATHROOM, LEVEL THREE**

**FARGO and STARK are in the middle of a conversation, standing side-by-side in front of a set of mirrors in a bathroom that has been oddly decked out through the misuse of government funding. It** **_is_ ** **a men's bathroom, though, so it's not** **_that_ ** **nice.**

**FARGO**

…Then I was all like, _No_ , and then you were like, _You are!_ And then she was all like, _No, but then you are!_ And I was all like, _I kind of am._ So, long story short: my grandfather's been cryogenically frozen for nearly fifty years.

**STARK looks at himself in the mirror, completely and openly ignoring FARGO.**

**STARK**

I am _so_ smart.

**FARGO**

You really are! Is there, like, a board meeting today?

**SHERIFF CARTER walks in.**

**They both turn to look at him, scandalised. This is the Global Dynamics' Men's Bathroom on the Third Level: not even Jesus Christ could poop here unannounced.**

**STARK**

Um, _excuse_ me?

**FARGO**

Hello?

**CARTER**

What?

**STARK**

Who the _fuck_ are you?

**CARTER**

Who the fuck are _you?_

**STARK**

I asked you first.

**CARTER**

I asked you second!

**FARGO**

Ah-ah! He's Nathan Stark, duh. Head of Global Dynamics! Nobel Prize winner! Part-time model…

**CARTER**

Oh.

**STARK**

_Who the fuck are you?_

**CARTER**

I'm the sheriff. Sheriff _Carter_. I'm _new._

**STARK**

Who the _fuck_ let you in here?

**CARTER**

Larry.

**STARK**

Larry _who?_

**CARTER**

Larry _Haberman._

**FARGO**

_Larry Haberman_ isn't even in _charge_ of the door!

**STARK**

So, Carter, let me tell you how things _work_ here —

**CARTER**

I _already_ know how things work around here.

**FARGO**

Larry Haberman is a _researcher! Why is he letting people inside of the door?_

**STARK**

This is _my_ bathroom. This is _my_ research facility. And _this_ is _me_ — telling _you_ that you need to _learn your place._

**CARTER**

Guess _what_ _?_ I already know all of those things.

**STARK**

Oh, _really?_

**CARTER**

Yeah.

**FARGO**

_Henry Deacon_ is in charge of the door! What the _fuck_ is he doing, _letting Larry Haberman let people in?_

**FARGO leaves, angry at the world — and, mostly, at Larry Haberman.**

**STARK**

You're not from around here, are you, Carter?

**CARTER**

I just transferred from Los Angeles.

**STARK**

Where the _fuck_ is that?

**CARTER**

_It's in California!_

**STARK**

Well, let me tell you how things _work_ around here in Eureka, Oregon-slash-Washington!

**CARTER**

I _already know_ how things work around here in Eureka, Oregon-slash-Washington!

**STARK**

_Really._

**CARTER**

Yeah. Allison Blake told me about it.

**FARGO returns, confused.**

**FARGO**

Is Henry Deacon sick? Did he blow up his workshop again? …I feel like his wife might have died.

**STARK**

What the _fuck_ are you doing, talking to Allison Blake?

**CARTER**

We investigated the time and space anomalies caused by Walter Perkins with his accelerator-thingy together.

**STARK**

That's my fucking wife, _bitch._

**CARTER**

Oh, _really?_ That's not what Vincent from Café Diem said.

**STARK**

Well, Vincent from Café Diem is a fucking _liar!_

**CARTER**

He seemed to know a lot about you and Beverly Barlowe.

**STARK**

…Okay, Carter. Just what the _fuck_ do you _want?_

**CARTER**

I want to stop the apocalyptic events caused by _your_ scientists here. And _poop._ Whenever I want… for as _long_ as I want.

**STARK**

_Fine._ But know this: I do not like you.

**CARTER**

I feel indifferent towards you.

**STARK**

I'll be watching you!

**CARTER**

_I'm_ going to poop now.

**CARTER goes off-screen. STARK is left to simmer in a sudden totally-not-homoerotic totally-not-jealous rage.**

**FARGO slaps his forehead.**

**FARGO**

Wait. Henry Deacon's _girlfriend_ is dead! Henry Deacon's wife is a _neuroscientist._ _Duh,_ Fargo!

**A loud bang is heard from downstairs. Evidently, Global Dynamics' scientists are causing apocalyptic events again.**

**CARTER brushes past the two, washing his hands with a victorious look on his face.**

**CARTER**

Owned. Have fun smelling my poops, bitches!

**CARTER leaves. STARK and FARGO share a look — and then go running after him.**

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
